A Field Report from the Office, by Lars (8-month-old Miniature Dachshund, Assistant Head of Security)

I have been asked to provide an account of this week’s events. I will do so. However, I want it noted from the outset that I was not adequately consulted on several key decisions, and I reserve the right to seek proper representation going forward.

Let me begin with the trail.

Someone, and I am not naming names, but it was not me, has hidden cartoon likenesses of me around the museum for children to find. I discovered this without warning. The likeness is, I will grudgingly admit, recognisable. It is, however, considerably more orange than I am. I am auburn. There is a difference and I would like it acknowledged.

I was also informed, after the fact, that there is a craft activity. A dancing dachshund. A concertina slinky dog, apparently in my honour. I was not shown a prototype. Nobody asked my opinion. The label says “Lars approved.” I want to be very clear: I was shown this with a treat. I looked at it because of the treat. My expression in the photograph should not be interpreted as endorsement. I am reviewing my options.

And then there is the reel.

Footage exists, now apparently loose on the internet, of me running through the museum. I want to address the narrative that has been constructed around this footage. I did not escape. I did not go rogue. In fact find the suggestion that I would behave so poorly quite offensive, especially as I can attest to the fact that I am, on the whole, a ‘good boy’. I was, in reality, running towards a toy held by the Dog Liaison Officer, who I now know was involved in this from the beginning. The DLO. My own DLO. I have made a note of this and our next one-to-one has been rescheduled accordingly.

Had I understood the full scope of the project, I would have had some thoughts. I might have suggested some alternative creative directions. I would certainly have ensured my appearance fee (treats, toys, or equivalent) was properly negotiated before filming began. Which is why I now think the only appropriate course of action moving forward is to consult with an agent. I will say that the volunteers’ performances were, on reflection, impressive, they showed commitment, surprisingly good comic timing, and what I can only describe as a natural presence. I am pleased they appear to be on my side. This is noted and appreciated. I did also look quite good. I have reviewed the footage and this is not up for discussion.

The week itself has been complicated by the weather, which has been, frankly, unsuitable. A heatwave. During half term. I am not a meteorologist but I feel someone could have looked into this. The window throne, my established post, my command centre, the seat of operations, has been temporarily vacated on practical grounds. I am not a ‘hotdog’. I have been conducting ground-level surveillance from the cool floor and maintaining a secondary post at the office door where there is a reasonable breeze. This was a tactical decision. This is strategy.

The quieter visitor numbers this week are, I am choosing to believe, entirely due to the weather and nothing whatsoever to do with the trail. The trail is excellent. I have seen it. It features me.

There have been several chance encounters with visitors this week, none of which I was warned about in advance. I was not warned about ‘guest appearances’ and so have responded to each appropriately and proportionately. One group of children, upon meeting me in an unscheduled capacity, described me as “the cutest little sausage ever.” I want to state for the record that I found this reductive and unprofessional. I hold two formal titles. I have a ramp.

I was secretly quite pleased. This is not relevant information and I don’t know why I included it.

This morning I conducted an enhanced security patrol of the museum, a thorough sweep, properly executed, full perimeter, and I feel this set the right tone for the week. Standards must be maintained regardless of the heat, the footfall, or the ongoing situation with the trail.

 

I have, from my cool floor position and my door breeze outpost, been listening to the sounds of children finding my cartoon likeness around the museum. They seem pleased when they find it. They make a particular noise, delighted and a little loud, that I have come to recognise. I have been monitoring this from a distance and surmise that it is not entirely displeasing.

They are, on balance, doing quite well.

Lars Assistant Head of Security and Junior Staff Member

Lars’s person would like to clarify that all visitor encounters were entirely on Lars’s terms, that he was well looked after in the heat, and that the dancing dachshund is very cute. Lars has been informed of this note. He has thoughts about the word cute – Ed.